Young Arthritis Network

Monday, November 15, 2010

The pain freeze

The silence of the night makes the past hour feel longer I'm alone in my apartment in the middle of a flare up I feel awful and alone. Its late to late to call anyone I’m trying to distract myself from the intense pain I feel in both legs.

My journey home from work is a short fifteen minute walk but today it took 35 min. It started off with a struggle on my crutches trying to  reach the nearest bus stop approx 750m away, today it took me twenty five minutes to get there by the time I reached the bus stop I was exhausted. When I reached home I thought I was going to pass out with the pain so I collapsed on the couch unable to move.  Luckily my boyfriend was on hand and made dinner before he carried me into bed where I have been   since 7pm unable to move.

Today was my first day back at work after three days sick leave to say I was embarrassed is an understatement my colleagues never saw me use a crutch before as my legs are very rarely a problem . Work were great everyone offered to help me even though for most of the day I was stubborn I didn't wanna ask for help.By 3.30 I was exhausted and didn't have any energy it was the little things I found hard going to the printer and making myself a cuppa thankfully they all knew I have an addiction to tea and I was supplied with several cups.

I woke an hour ago by pain rushing though my body depriving my body of much needed sleep my knees and ankles are warm, sore &  inflamed easily twice the size they were a few hours ago.  My legs feel like cement, I can’t move them, it’s impossible.Usually I curl into the comforting fetal position to sleep I cant tonight in fact I cant do much I feel useless.

So now I’m wide awake I can’t move just a few hours ago I was able to move a few steps without my crutches so foolishly I left them in the sitting room. I’m thirsty and in need of a glass of water so I try to move using all my energy I try to get out of bed but the pain is horrific and so I lie in silence waiting for the morning to come minutes seem like hours. My body is shattered but pain will not allow me drift asleep its impossible to get comfortable each time I move it hurt’s.

Its times like this I find the having arthritis a nightmare which myself and many other young people must endure . I feel angry that I can’t do a thing I try to stay positive but the longer I'm awake the more positivity dwindles into despair and I enter into battle with my body while it battles with me . It wears me down and down as my body get increasingly tired I begin to drift into a restless sleep but minutes later I am woken by pain once again .

I know I will make it though the night but right now it doesn't feel like it will. Knowing I have work in the morning I desperately want to get some sleep as I know tiredness will only add to my problems . I took my weekly dose of methrexate yesterday all ready my mouth is covered in mouth ulcers my tongue is swollen I must easily have ten.

I’ve never felt so alone while many of friends went out tonight I had to stay at home because I can’t move let alone walk. My friends are gone to a gig, something I used to enjoy.  I too had planned to go but having arthritis means sometimes things don’t work out.  I need to think and plan and re plan. Tonight was no question of that being impossible.  On a regular night out when I walk into a bar the first thing I look for is not a drink but a seat . Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love music and most of all to dance but for the past while I haven’t had the energy to dance. I feel like I’ve lost something within me,  a little sparkle that comes out when I dance.  Today I am 24 trapped in a  94 year old body.

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